Philip was a young but successful licensed
psychotherapist from Canada
who did his private psychotherapy practice. Philip liked his work and he truly
loved helping people solve their psychological problems. He knew how to win
over his clients, giving the impression of a positive person who is open to the
world and communication with other people. Philip sought to apply an ethical
approach to his clients, valuing ethical relationships between people. In his
opinion, psychotherapy is something more than just work - it is a way of life,
love, compassion, the ability to understand and empathize. Philip believed that
most patients seek psychotherapeutic help precisely because of communication
problems and therefore his goal and method was to help each patient understand
what kind of relationships he or she has with the world and other people and
then try to find a way to correct these relationships in a positive way. This
method of work led his ideological views in a direction similar to the
philosophical ideas of subjective idealism, according to which reality is
exclusively what we ourselves think about it; therefore, in order for our
subjective reality to become positive for us, we must try to perceive the
surrounding objective reality exclusively positively...
In the wave of his success in the field of
psychotherapy Philip sought more and more difficult cases and more difficult
patients, because they, as he thought, could give him good scientific material
and valuable psychotherapeutic experience for the further development of his
own psychotherapeutic methods. However, it is not for nothing that there is a
warning that urges us to be careful with our own desires, because sometimes
they can be fulfilled and ... turn into a nightmare… One day, on the
recommendation of a doctor he knew, one particularly difficult patient named Victoria was referred to
Philip. According to this doctor, Victoria
worked in his clinic as a medical laboratory technician, and she gave other
people the impression of being a very strange boring person because of her
closed and aloof behavior. And this doctor, like many of her other colleagues
at the clinic, being worried about her mental state, sincerely kindly
recommended her that she try to go to a psychotherapist and undergo a course of
psychotherapeutic treatment... Victoria's
case boiled down to the fact that she believed that her inner personality was
in constant oppositional rejection in relation to the world and society around
her. It was only when she was alone that she felt good, comfortable and free,
while being in the company of other people was always very unpleasant for her.
According to her, Victoria
has always looked critically at the so-called "human values" imposed
by society, such as, for example: family, romantic love, sociability and trust,
evaluating it all very negatively. Already from childhood, she independently
came to the idea that «hell is others», since she never experienced any
pleasure from communicating with other people; really, what does it give? -
idle chatter, petty fuss, senseless vanity - all this always irritated her. She
is sincerely convinced that the truly happy person is the one who can almost
completely do without fellow tribesmen, and that whenever she tried to connect
with other people, she felt that she was losing a part of herself. She did not
meet people who could offer her something really smart and interesting, and
this is not at all because she was not looking for them. Every time she tried
to make an acquaintance, people disappointed her, because they turned out to be
either unfortunate sufferers, or fools, or people with a bad disposition and
low inclinations. She knows that her worldview contradicts social attitudes
that positively assess sociability and open relationships between people however,
analyzing the facts of the surrounding universe and putting them into a single
logical scheme, she comes to the conclusion that her negative attitude towards
other people and society is quite logical and rationally justified, as if she
is guided by the accurately calculated correct clock, while the majority of
other people in the society around her, by their common consent, tend to
navigate by the incorrectly calculated clock and they accepted this incorrect
clock as a social norm. She draws such conclusions from observations of
standard human behavior. Thus, there are rational reasons for her negative
attitude towards other people and she treats people negatively because of their
irrational behavior. Unfortunately for her, most people are not rational enough
- they think in the categories of unintelligent stereotypes, and they make
judgments based on their mental limitations. According to Victoria, most people
are vulgar and mentally limited beings who see the meaning of their existence
not in the search for rational truths, but in conforming to social stereotypes,
no matter how harmful, far-fetched, meaningless and stupid these stereotypes
may turn out to be in practice; and the most terrible thing here is that the
masses of these mentally limited people set the standards of life in society,
under which are forced to adapt a some individuals-exceptions whose individual
and personal level of development is higher of the average majority of people
who make up society.. Victoria was sure that in fact most of the so-called
"decent people" tend to hide their true dark and vicious nature under
the visible mask of some external decency (in fact, this is what the process of
upbringing boils down to), but in the depths of their low souls their true
natures are hidden with their animal passions and vicious inclinations, who
really like vicious and vulgar things. And if among the mediocre bulk of other
people there is an individual who spiritually rises above the crowd and
personally surpasses the average level in society by the fact that he or she
sincerely (and not hypocritically) loves everything pure, sublime, intelligent
and serious and also sincerely has a negative attitude towards vice and
vulgarity and sincerely wants to be clean from the dirt of the surrounding world,
then such an individual turns out to be an outcast in society, because in a
state where blindness turns out to be a social norm, vision is declared a
disease, and the sighted individual turns out to be a deviation from the social
norm, which at best will be frankly ignored, and at worst - aggressively
bullied.
Since Philip believed that one of the
properties of human nature is the desire for communication, he made the
erroneous conclusion that Victoria simply
suppressed the desire for communication in herself and, therefore, it is
necessary to find a way to reveal Victoria's
subconscious desire for communication. To achieve this goal, Philip tried to
establish close personal contact with Victoria,
but this task was more difficult than he thought. So, seeing Victoria's stiffness, Philip invited her to
relax and emotionally liberate herself, not hesitating to express her feelings
if she feels awkward. Victoria calmly replied to this proposal that she does
not feel any awkwardness and that she behaves exclusively within a rational
framework and therefore she does not see any rational need to use irrational
non-verbal communication methods, for example, such as expressing emotions.
Philip thought that he would be able to dispose Victoria
for intimate communication with the help of jokes and humor, but he found that Victoria had no sense of
humor at all and that his attempts to joke had a completely opposite effect on
her, as if from jokes she turned stone and only became more closed and
constrained. In General, all Philip's attempts to find a psychological approach
to Victoria
ended equally unsuccessfully, because on his arguments about the possible ways
of her psychotherapeutic treatment, she calmly, logically and almost without
emotion, she brought logically reasoned arguments explaining why the next
method of psychotherapeutic treatment proposed by Philip personally does not
suit her.
- No, she does not want to be simpler and more
open, so that other people would reach for her with their dirty sweaty hands…
it is better for her if she will more complicated and those who are simpler
will leave her alone,
- No, she does not want to seek love and
romantic relationships for herself and she never aspired to this, because she
is sincerely convinced that romantic love is the greatest stupidity and madness
that only people are capable of, because love is the worst kind of
captivity-voluntary captivity and therefore, love is the pinnacle of unfreedom,
because a lover is ready to voluntarily give up freedom for the sake of an
object of love. And yes - she is a virgin and she is proud of it and she
intends to keep her virginity all her life, because she is not going to descend
to such filth as sex; so, she considers sex, love, romance not just a big
stupidity, but also frank dirt and madness. And the stereotype popular in
society that love-romantic and sexual relationships are natural and created by
nature for the aspiration to happiness is an insane lie, because blind and
mindless nature has created, first of all, suffering and dissatisfaction to
push living beings to seek relief in the form of a short-term illusion of
satisfaction, like drug addicts who receive short-term relief from their
condition only when they take another dose of the drug. And since life in a blind
and brainless nature is arranged in such a way as to provoke anxieties, which
increases many times during sexual activity, Victoria is not ready to sacrifice her
freedom and peace in order to conform to the irrational social stereotypes
imposed by society about love and romance.
When Philip suggested that Victoria despises
people in order to indulge her vanity with the consciousness of her own
superiority, Victoria calmly and logically replied that she would be happy if
most people by their behavior deserved not contempt, but respect and sympathy,
since no proud self-satisfaction cannot be compared with the monstrous
discomfort - from purely psychological to direct physical dangers - experienced
by an individual living in a world populated mainly by people with a low moral
and cultural level.
Philip liked beautiful women and Victoria was beautiful,
but her beauty made a frightening and repulsive impression on him, because
there was something inhuman in her beauty, as if she were a creature of a completely
different nature, alien to this world. Victoria's
beauty frightened Philip with some subtle, but clearly felt unnaturalness.
Philip thought that this beauty could not belong to a living being, as if it
were the cold and dead beauty of an inanimate being, such as a doll, a
mannequin, or a stone statue, but not the warm beauty of a living human woman.
It seemed to Philip that the beauty of Victoria
emanates a killing all living thing ice cold, as if she were a fabulous snow
queen who came to him directly from the pages of a nightmare fairy tale. In Victoria's demeanor,
Philip subconsciously felt something alien to the whole structure of life in
this world. Her constrained movements seemed unnatural to Philip, as if Victoria was not a
living human woman, but either a living dead person, or a clockwork mechanical
doll. In her monotonous quiet voice, as if coming from the grave, there were
almost no emotional notes. Her face looked like an impenetrable mask, on which
no living human emotions were displayed: neither joy, nor sadness, nor anger,
nor compassion…. as if she were a creature from another world, from a sinister
parallel reality unknown to Philip, where there is no place for anything living
and warm and where are only the icy cold that kills all life, endless silence
and eternal deadening peace... Philip also noticed that in his psychotherapy
sessions, Victoria
usually looked to the side and tried not to look directly at him, but when
their gazes accidentally crossed, Philip saw a frightening emptiness in her
gaze, as if her gaze reflected the infinite emptiness of the universe.
Although Victoria did not show any obvious
signs of aggressive provocations with her demeanor, behaving exceptionally
correctly, calmly and rationally, it seemed to Philip, from the point of view
of his feelings, and his emotional perception, that Victoria was deliberately
provoking him with such her constrained, clamped and detached behavior, as if
she is deliberately trying to piss him off, hiding her true feelings under a
multi-valued psychological mask of emotional impenetrability.
For Philip, every psychotherapy session with Victoria turned into
excruciating psychological torture. In fact, Philip had only six
psychotherapeutic sessions with Victoria(one
session once a week), but for some reason he lost count of sessions with her.
It seemed to him that she had been going to him for psychotherapy sessions for
many months already. During and after the sessions with Victoria, Philip felt
himself very irritated; he could hardly restrain his desire to break out into a
scream, to make Victoria lose her temper and see at Victoria's reaction in
order to understand: does it cold, insensitive, narcissistic mechanical
creature, in a feminine guise have at least some kind of living human emotions…
Philip caught himself thinking that the sessions with Victoria were driving him crazy, but his
professional pride did not allow him to back down, prompting him to try to find
an approach to such a difficult and unyielding patient.
At the same time, Victoria behaved like a
diligent patient, she regularly and on time went to psychotherapeutic sessions,
paid bills, remembered dreams and followed Philip's other instructions. Just in
her individual case, Philip's methods did not work with her and did not bring
any results.
In the end, at their last, sixth session,
irritated by Victoria's stubbornness, Philip flared up and directly told to
Victoria what he felt towards her: that, in his opinion, Victoria's views are
written on her forehead, that she is an arrogant autistic person who despises
people and, as a result, does not know how to communicate with them. But all of
Victoria's
psychological problems are solved very simply: we just need to try to look
positively at the world around us in general and other people in particular,
and then everything will be fine, because our personal reality is in our head
and therefore we ourselves program our personal reality.
To this Victoria replied calmly and without
expressing emotions that she comes to the conclusion that all his
psychotherapeutic techniques are lies that are intended for the purpose of
leading people's minds away from the bitter and unsightly truths of the cruel
reality of this world, while in practice, all these psychotherapeutic optimistic
advice turn out to be nothing more than a sweet lie that appeals to emotions,
but not to mind, and this sweet lie contradicts the bitter truth of the
objective laws of the universe. In fact, according to Victoria, people are just protein biological
bodies, and the only difference between them and other animals is that, thanks
to a more developed brain, people have the ability to higher nervous activity
with complex psychological functions, thanks to which people have
self-awareness. However, most people are not inclined to use their
self-awareness for its intended purpose; they are very limited and superficial,
which is why they float through life, being not inclined to think about its
essence: about the cause-and-effect connecting links that are at the basis of
the processes of the universe, but they willingly follow the lies of madmen and
fraudsters who seduce them with emotionally attractive ideas. A successful
method of psychotherapeutic mind formatting usually consists in the fact that a
skilled psychotherapist knows the formulas of sweet lies, which successfully
synchronizes with as popular as irrational social stereotypes, that are
perceived emotionally positively and, therefore, capable of sweetly lulling the
human consciousness. At the same time, on any person who turns out to be
rational enough to disagree with the so-called «professional practicing
psychologists» on the basis of logic and facts, they are ready to hang a
psychiatric diagnosis, by declaring such a person mentally ill; and instead of
opening our eyes to the bitter and unsightly true state of affairs and things
in this worst possible world, applied psychotherapy aims to lull the
individual's mind with stupid and false optimistic fairy tales and cloud the
individual's consciousness with the sweet lies of blissful ignorance in order
to lead it away from the terrible, bitter, cruel and unsightly truths of the
real essence of the structure of the universe and of the real nature of the
world. And Philip, like most people who think like him, is not only trapped in
self-deception, but also misleads other people with his psychotherapeutic
tales. However, the time has come to destroy the cozy world of
psychotherapeutic illusions of Philip, to open his eyes and show him real life,
placing him in new circumstances of objective reality; and only if his
psychotherapeutic theories can receive experimental confirmation by practice
(in other words, if Philip can sincerely love and perceive positively his new
reality), he will be able to return to his old life.
Then Philip saw a strange, unlike any other,
radiance… and then he woke up, to his horror, in a completely unfamiliar small
room in a completely unfamiliar female body…then new memories, uploaded in
Philip's mind, began to appear in his consciousness… these were memories of the
life of the woman in whose body he found himself. He still identified himself
as Philip, the straight male psychotherapist from Canada, but it was as if a detailed
film of her life that he had seen was recorded in his mind. Thus, Philip had
information that he was in the body of a cheap street prostitute named Natasha,
who lived in one poor and troubled country in Eastern Europe. Being in Natasha's body,
Philip understood that it was pointless to tell anyone about his former, male,
life - no one would believe him (her) for sure, but only consider him (her)
crazy and send him (her) to a madhouse… so he saw no other choice for himself
but to live Natasha's life in her body, try to play her role and... try to
enjoy life in the body of voluptuous young woman with big breasts and huge ass…
however, in practice, it turned out to be not so easy, because the female body
of Natasha prepared a lot of unpleasant and unexpected surprises for Philip.
After all, only being stuck in the female body of Natasha, Philip fully
experienced on his own skin what it's like to be a woman and realized how men
are happy and do not even notice this, but they should to thank the male
Y-chromosome every day for what they have it, because men's bodies are free
from a number of specific biological problems that women's bodies have! What
are these problems?
So, the first problem that Philip faced in
Natasha's female body - is her big-sized Breasts, after all, Philip now had to
carry on himself (herself) two heavy fat bags, which did not hold on to
anything except the skin that covered them, and dangled with great amplitude at
any sharp movement; and it was so painful and unpleasant that Philip had to
wear special bras and/or tops that tightly hugged his (her) Breasts… however,
these items of clothing fitted so tightly to Philip's chest that they were a
new source of discomfort to the upper part of his (her) new body…
Another unexpected female problem that Philip
encountered was urination: Just imagine that instead of urinating, you have
diarrhea every time when you use the toilet. Moreover, a woman, on average,
also has to go there more often than a man.
The third and even more unpleasant typical
female problem for Philip was menstruation. When Philip was a man, he did not
have periods and, like most men, he took it for granted, without thinking about
how happy it was. Just imagine that every month you have an attack of, say,
bloody diarrhea for about three days, - so strong that you have to walk with a
gag in your ass, - and this gag is the least of the problems, because abdominal
pain, nausea and other delights are attached… and this fact of monthly bloody
diarrhea clearly negatively affects the psyche.
Another one inconvenience for Philip was
Natasha's clothing: her tight miniskirts and mini dresses, in which it was
impossible to take normal steps and high-heeled shoes of Natasha that killed
his (her) feet; all these typical items of women's wardrobe caused significant
discomfort to Philip and he (she) could not get used to walking in these
miniskirts, mini dresses and high-heeled shoes.
His (her) physical suffering was aggravated by
moral suffering: he (she) felt incredibly embarrassed in ridiculous female
appearance, dressing and looking like a woman. Philip understood with his mind
that he was in the body of a natural, 100% woman, but still, being in this
female body and dressing in these women's clothes, he felt very ridiculous,
because it was all so wrong for him that he felt himself very ashamed, as if he
were a transvestite dressing up in all overtly feminine (although, in truth,
probably not every real girl would dare to wear those revealing slutty outfits
in which Natasha dressed)… Of course, Philip did not want to voluntarily dress
in Natasha's depraved clothes, just like he didn't want to do the makeup but
the impulses of Natasha's body forced Philip to do this automatically, against
his will and he (she) could not fight against these impulses of his (her) new
body… An additional inconvenience for Philip was Natasha's long hair and nails:
her long hair crawled into the face and long painted nails prevented the use of
hands fully!
Whenever Philip tried to speak, he (she)
automatically spoke in Natasha's language and at the same time he (she) could
understand this language, which was completely unfamiliar to him (her) until
then, as if it were his native language for him; at the same time, with
difficulty and effort, he (she) could force himself (herself) to speak his
former native language - English, as if this language had become for him (her)
a foreign language that must be studied separately. Philip didn't like the
sound of Natasha's native language; this language seemed to him harsh and
inarticulate, sounding as if the speakers of this language spoke with porridge
in their mouths. However, the main cultural shock Philip experienced from the
peculiarities of the mentality of local residents of his (her) new «native»
country. The locals, with their demeanor, their barbaric manners, and their predilections
for various vices, reminded him more of primitive savages or medieval
barbarians, but in no way the inhabitants of the modern civilized world. Philip
was unpleasantly surprised by poverty, dirt, crime, domestic violence, as well
as the addictions of local residents to various bad habits (for example, such
as smoking and alcoholism). All these dirty and bad aspects of life were so
widespread in society here, as if it were a socially approved norm here. These
realities of local life made an unpleasant and depressing impression on Philip,
contrasting in a disadvantageous way with the cozy and «plush» realities of his
native prosperous Canada.
Also an unpleasant surprise for Philip was the
high level of sexism, which was a social norm in the society of this country.
Despite the formal equality of the sexes, traditionalist sexist prejudices
prevailed in the society of this country, which required, as a social norm, to
correspond to traditional socio-gender roles. Therefore nobody wanted to consider
Philip in the female body of Natasha as a person, preferring to see
Philip/Natasha as a corrupt low-rated woman, destined to satisfy male sexual
lusts.
Many of Natasha's clients were rude and cruel
men; some of them turned out to be criminals or something like that. These men
often smelled of alcohol and tobacco. Philip himself in his former life was a
convinced supporter of a healthy lifestyle, therefore he did not drink alcohol
or smoke cigarettes; moreover: he could not even stand their smell! However, to
his horror and disgust, Natasha's body forced Philip to drink alcohol and smoke
cigarettes against his will; and in this situation, Philip could not resist the
impulses of his (her) new body, just as he could not resist the sexual impulses
of this body in contacts with men. During these contacts with men, Natasha's
body prevailed over the will of Philip, prompting him (her) to have sexual
relations with these men and satisfy their most perverted lusts. In these
situations, Philip felt and realized everything that was happening, but he
could not fight against the impulses of Natasha's body… and he hated it.
All these life circumstances in which Philip
was stuck were so wrong to his nature and so antagonistic to his psyche that he
could not deceive himself anymore. Philip's senses could deceive him, but he
himself could no longer deceive his senses, which constantly signaled to him
that he was stuck in complete shit. At night, Philip often had nightmares, in
which he saw the image of Victoria,
reminding him that if he wants to return to his old male life, and to change
back into man, he must learn to perceive his new reality in a sincerely
positive way. But Philip himself could not set himself up to love his new
reality, to enjoy his new life, and perceive it all sincerely positively. In
fact, he (she) sincerely hated every minute of his (her) life lived in
Natasha's body.
Philip thought that he (she) would be able to
perceive life in Natasha's body positively if he (she) could change Natasha's
life for the better, for example, change his (her) profession and leave the
path of prostitution. However, as if some unknown external force kept Philip,
depriving him (her) of any opportunity to realize his (her) intentions to leave
the profession of a prostitute and change Natasha's life for the better.
Philip was desperate from the realization that
he (she) was stuck in this body, in this life and in this reality, because his
(her) new objective reality sent him (her) only one negative, not giving not
the slightest reason for being positive. As a result of this unpleasant
experience, Philip began to ask the question for himself: was he really
mistaken in his psychotherapeutic illusions and all his previous life and
activities as a psychotherapist were a lie, while in fact the true and real
essence of life is suffering? Is it possible that all his previous professional
psychotherapeutic activity was one continuous self-deception and he himself,
having embarked on the path of psychotherapy, chose the wrong method and
stubbornly adhered to it, deceiving himself and other people, while in fact all
his optimistic psychotherapeutic mantras with ethical appeals not to withdraw
into oneself and to be open to other people and relationships with them were
nothing more than a beautiful-sounding fake dummy, the ability to deceive
himself and others, presenting shit as candy? And now, when there is so much
shit in his life that he can no longer deceive himself, Philip is forced to
accept the truth that life is like a huge pie with shit, from which an
individual bites off a piece every day until death frees this individual from
the shackles of life… And this terrible and filthy world does not at all
deserve to be looked at with optimism…
And there was another enigmatic question that
haunted Philip: who really was Victoria - this mysterious woman who changed so
dramatically his life and his fate for the worse? Was she a human woman with
unusual psychic / supernatural abilities, or was she a dark goddess / demon?
Was she an alien from outer space or from another world? What if she was a
figment of his imagination or some materialized hallucination - a sublimation
of psychic energy? Philip could not get an answer to this question and all that
remained for him (her) was to continue living Natasha's life - a miserable life
that he (she) hated, consoling himself (herself) with the dubious hope that
someday he (she) would after all be able to find a way to love his (her) new
life and perceive his (her) new reality sincerely positively…
Author's P. S.
English is
not my native language. So when I wrote the text for this story, I probably
made many linguistic mistakes. If you will point me to them and help me to
correct or edit them I will be very grateful ^_^
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